


How To Woo A Human (No goats required)

by whiskygalore



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Bottom Jensen, God Jared, M/M, Wooing, spn_masquerade
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-04
Updated: 2015-10-04
Packaged: 2018-04-24 17:57:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4929517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whiskygalore/pseuds/whiskygalore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>God Jared is determined to woo his beloved human Jensen, despite his mother's misgivings and Jensen's cranky objections.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How To Woo A Human (No goats required)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the glorious spn_masquerade prompt - Jared isn't your typical god. He doesn't play by the rules, he's rude and he's loud, knows how he looks with all the tattoos on his body and he rejects all the little goddesses his mother is shoving in his direction. 
> 
> The only one who's not impressed is Jensen, a farmer who's loving his solitary life. Which doesn't deter Jared from showing up at Jensen's door again and again.

 

 

"Shit, seriously? Again? Do you see the sign? Can you not read? No cold callers. I ain’t buying anything you’re selling."

"Good morning, beloved. You are looking glorious as always, and in fine voice too. May I enter your humble abode and-"

"Humble! Do you know how long it took me to build this damn house?"

"I meant you no offence, sweetling; I merely wished to-"

"Sweetling!! Sweetling!!! Look gigantor, there's nothing sweet about me, understand! Now get your massive feet off my _humble_ porch and get the hell off my land before I set the dogs on you!"

"If you'd just-"

"And buy a damn shirt would you!"

 

***

 

"Jared, I do not understand why you insist on trying to woo the human. Especially not when there are dozens of beautiful goddesses desperately vying for your affections." Jared's mother sets her knitting in her lap and focusses her full attention on her son.

"I've told you before, mother; goddesses hold no interest for me. I find them dull and...lacking."

"Even Sandra? She's doesn't seem to be lacking anything. In fact she appears to be very generously gifted."

Jared drops his head and sighs; this is not a conversation that he enjoys having with his parents, unfortunately it's one they seem to have most weeks. His mother in particular has developed a peculiar type of amnesia that makes it impossible for her to recall that Jared is gay. "There is something she is lacking that I find essential in a partner, mother." Jared points both hands in an arrow shape towards his crotch, hoping that's a big enough clue to jog her memory.

His mother rolls her eyes and picks her knitting needles back up. "Honestly, Jared, I do believe you are trying to be awkward."

"I didn't choose to prefer the male form over the female just to vex you, mother."

"No, but I believe you may have chosen to pursue a human male to do just that. Are there no gods out there that have caught your eye? What about your blonde friend with the teeth? His grandmother is the goddess of the woodland fairies you know, such a charming woman. What is the young man's name again?"

"Chad!" Jared says incredulously. "You want me to court Chad?"

"Chad," His mother's nose crinkles up as though the name has left an unpleasant taste in her mouth. "That is a rather unfortunate name. What is his domain?"

"He's the God of mushrooms, mother."

"Ah, I see. Not quite as distinguished as his grandmother then."

"I would say not. And also - thankfully - he's not gay."

"Oh well, there are plenty more fish in the sea. Speaking of...what about Tom?"

"He has fins...and a tail."

"Osric is pretty."

"I'd snap him like a twig."

"Michael?"

"Bald."

"You find that unattractive?"

"Yes!"

"Hmm, you are exceptionally fussy. What about Misha? He has a lovely head of hair."

"And three wives and eight children." Jared throws his hands up in the air, exasperated, "Mother, I don't want anyone else. I want Jensen."

Jared's mother's knitting needles clack furiously, as her frustration rises. "What's so special about this human? Does he possess some kind of magics? A special gift perhaps?"

Jared sighs and smiles as he pictures his beloved. "He has freckles. Lots of tiny freckles. Like the prettiest of stars scattered across his face. And his eyes, mother, his eyes are as green as the lushest meadow and framed by thick eyelashes that every goddesses would covet. His shoulders are broad and strong and his waist narrow enough that my hands would grip around it perfectly. And his buttocks! His buttocks are curved and plump and-"

"I do get the idea, darling." Jared's mother says dryly. "I don't think you need paint such a vivid portrait of your intended's ass-ets."

"He is perfect, mother." Jared thinks he may be gushing. In fact he's sure he is. It's most unseemly for a god of his stature, but Jensen really is the most beautiful man to have ever walked upon the earth.

His mother’s voice, dripping with undisguised disapproval, snaps him out of his musings. "Jared! Jared!! Honestly, boy, you look as though you're sickening for something." Her knitting needles are moving so quickly, almost a blur in front of Jared’s eyes, that he half expects to see smoke pouring from them. He hopes whatever she is knitting is supposed to be that strange shape. "Well, I suppose, if we absolutely must, your father and I will learn to live with the disappointment if your heart is truly set on this Johnson-"

"Jensen, mother. His name is Jensen."

"Psh, Johnson – Jensen, what's does it matter?"

"It matters, mother, trust me."

"Fine fine, Jensen. And this Jensen, he is not amenable to your overtures?"

Jared’s shoulders slump. "He won't even allow me over his threshold."

"I presume that is not a euphemism."

Jared closes his eyes and shakes his head. When did his mother develop such a filthy mind? "No, mother it is not. I don't understand how he can refuse me. Does he not appreciate my muscles and my glorious hair? Are my tattoos not impressive enough? Am I not handsome and brave and charming?

"And modest?"

"Pah, modesty does not win fair maiden...or fair man."

Jared's mother arches an eyebrow. "And neither does standing in my sitting room whining. If you are determined to make this human your husband you must work at it. Perseverance is key, Jared. You don't think your father won my hand by lolling around and feeling sorry for himself, do you?"

No, Jared knows exactly how his father, the god of barnyard animals, wooed his mother, the goddess of crafters. It was undoubtedly a match made in the heavens. "I doubt Jensen would appreciate a flock of sheep appearing on his doorstep."

"Is he not a farmer? Does he not make his living rearing animals and tilling the land? Really, Jared, stop letting your ego overrule your sense. Sometimes you need more than flowing locks and bulging muscles to win over the object of your affections. Even if he is human."

Jared straightens his shoulders. His mother is right; he needs to step up his game. Show Jensen that he is serious. Bowl him over with a gift that will take his breath away. Or at least stop him from slamming the door in Jared's face. "You are right as always, mother."

"Of course I am. Now go and win over your Jensen. I want to meet the young man who has stolen my son's heart. See for myself just what is so special about him."

"You'll love him, mother." Jared declares, bending down to kiss her cheek. "He's prettier and far more spirited than all of the goddesses you'd see me with. He is indeed special."

His mother harrumphs, but with a hidden smile rather than any real displeasure. She may not entirely approve of Jared's choice of intended, but he knows she'll come round.

"And Jared," she calls after him as he takes his leave. "For goodness sake put a shirt on."

"Yes," Jared grumbles under his breath. "I do believe you and Jensen will get along just fine."

 

***

 

Jared knocks on the door again; a little louder and more insistent than the first three times. He breathes a sigh of relief when the door swings open. He was beginning to worry that Jensen was ill or injured and unable to make the journey to his front door.

"What do you want?" Jensen asks, his demeanor not exactly welcoming.

"I want to woo you, Jensen. To prove my love for you. See...I bring you gifts." Jared steps to the side and gestures behind him, a satisfied grin on his face.

"Are those...are those cows?" Jensen gapes, stumbling forwards out of his door in order to see better. "And sheep?"

"Indeed. I noticed that your farm was sorely lacking in animals and thought it would please you to increase your income with a-"

"And goats!" Jensen cuts Jared off before he can explain how wonderful and thoughtful his gift is. How Jensen will no longer be a poor farmer with overgrown fields and only puny house animals. "You brought goats here? You idiot!"

Jared bristles. “Goats are marvelous animals. They eat your weeds and produce milk which makes delicious cheeses."

"They're going to eat my vines, you giant oaf." Jensen dashes past him, chasing after a goat that is bounding towards his fields.

"Your vines?"

"This isn't a farm, dumbass," Jensen yells over his shoulder. "It's a farm winery. A vineyard. I grow grapes. And your stupid animals are going to ruin them."

"Grapes?" Jared repeats, distracted as he watches Jensen run. His ass looks spectacular in denim jeans; round, ripe and juicy, bouncing as he runs. Oh, he thinks a moment later as Jensen fly-tackles the goat, misses and lands on his face, a cloud of dust billowing up around him. Grapes. Wine. Ah...yes, he may have miscalculated slightly.

 

***

 

"What now?" Jensen asks as he opens the door, peering warily behind Jared. "You haven't brought any more animals have you?"

"I have not. Again, my apologies for the misunderstanding. I had not realized that you were cultivating vines, and when my mother suggested-"

"Your mother?" Jensen says. "Your mother suggested buying me a herd of farm animals?"

"I didn't actually buy them," Jared confesses. "My father is the god of barnyard animals; he gave them to me from his collection."

"God? Your father is a god?" Jensen repeats incredulously.

"Well, yes. And my mother is the goddess of crafters. My elder brother is the god of dentists and my sister is goddess of-"

Jared almost falls backwards, taken by surprise when the door slams shut in his face.

Undeterred, he shouts through the closed door, "And my sister is the goddess of bakers, beloved."

"You're nuts, buddy." Jensen shouts back. "Completely nuts!

"Don't you want to know what I am god of?" Jared yells, knocking on the door. After no response is forthcoming he adds anyway, trying not to sound too boastful, "Moose. I'm god of moose."

He grins, pleased with himself when the door is yanked back open. Jensen must appreciate how strong and virile Jared is to be proclaimed god of the most majestic beast of all. The smile falls from his face when he sees the ire in Jensen's eyes.

"Moose! MOOSE! Listen pal, if I find a single moose anywhere near my vines I'll...I'll.." Jensen's face is turning a violent shade of puce and his words appear to be failing him.

"Fear not, fair Jensen. I will ensure your grapes remain unmolested by my brethren." Jared reassures him.

"You....you....you're a complete fruit loop."

"No, dear love," Jared puffs his chest out. "I am a god. And I wish to court you and make you mine. That's why I bring you gifts. See here," Jared pulls a box from the pocket of his leather pants, it was a tight squeeze fitting it in there and it takes a moment for him to pry it out. "I bring you jewels that sparkle almost as green as your beautiful eyes."

Those beautiful green eyes narrow threateningly. "You're some kind of crazy stalker, right?"

"Stalker? No, I just want to win over your heart." Jared says, shaking the small box in his hand as if to prove his point. "And you're not making that very easy to do, beloved."

"I'm not, huh? Maybe because I'm not a chick. What the hell am I supposed to do with jewels? Look, moose-boy, whoever you are-"

"Jared," Jared says, a little petulantly, trying not to pout. "My name is Jared. And fine, you don't want animals and you don't want jewels. What do you want?"

"What do I want? I want deluded maniacs to stop turning up on my doorstep with inappropriate gifts. I want some peace and quiet, the sun to shine, my grapes to ripen and you to wear a shirt and stop being so damn distracting."

 

This door time when the door bangs shut, Jared feels a glimmer of hope. Jensen finds him distracting. Things are looking up.

 

***

 

"Mittens, huh?"

"And a hat," Jared mumbles. This gift was very much not his idea.

"You realize it's July, right?"

Jensen is smiling. His plump lips curved up in a lopsided smirk that makes Jared's heart thump wildly in his chest. "My mother," Jared shrugs in a universal 'mothers - what can you do' gesture. "She felt guilty about the farm animals. And she thinks you may be vulnerable to the elements, what with you only being human."

"Only being human?" Jensen parrots, his eyebrow raised.

"Ah...no offense." Jared quickly adds. "Gods are somewhat sturdier than most humans."

"Right, gods." Jensen nods, his mouth twitching halfway between a smile and frown. "So, your mother, she can't knit you a sweater?"

 

***

 

"You're persistent, I'll give you that." Jensen stands in his doorway, hands shoved in his pockets, and a small dog sitting at his feet that’s looking up at him adoringly. Jared nods at it in complete understanding. He too thinks Jensen is worthy of adoration. "So, what d'you bring me this time?"

"You are certain I brought you something?" Jared jests; of course he did.

"You haven't turned up empty handed yet," Jensen says, bending down to scratch his little dog's ears. Jared is _not_ jealous. "I hope you thanked your mother for me by the way."

Jared cringes. His mother was delighted by Jensen's kind thanks and polite manners. Maybe a little too delighted. "Yes, yes I did. She says to tell you she will knit you a matching scarf and sweater next."

"That's wonderful." Jensen laughs, not unkindly, and then looks pointedly at Jared's chest. "But still, no sweater for you?"

Jared looks down at his chest, at the dark swirling tattoos dancing across his pecs and down his torso. "You find my naked body offensive?"

Jensen licks his lips. "No, no, I wouldn't say offensive. Your tattoos are very....very interesting."

The silence between them is thick as Jensen's eyes roam over Jared's body, mapping out the intricate display of black ink trailing over his bronzed skin. A bead of sweat forms at Jensen's temple and Jared wishes he could lean forward and kiss it away.

Jensen's cheeks flush an adorable shade of pink when he realizes how long and obviously he has been staring at Jared. Jared tries hard not to preen under the attention. "So," Jensen coughs awkwardly, pulling at the neck of his shirt, "Ahh, you have something for me?"

Jared hopes he doesn't imagine the way Jensen's eyes drift down towards the front of Jared's pants. And yes, Jared does have something he'd like to give Jensen. Something long and hard and bulging in the front of his pants.

As soon as he pulls Jensen's gift from his pocket he regrets it. He knew this was a bad idea, but his brother had insisted. And Jeff is older, wiser and unfortunately several inches bigger than Jared. The toothbrush he hands Jensen is the very best quality. Recommended by nine out of ten dentists and fully endorsed by Jeff.

"It's a toothbrush," Jensen says, stating the obvious.

"It's electric," Jared explains, which doesn't really help matters. "And the very best. When I told my brother, my older brother, how beautiful your teeth were, how straight and white and dazzling they are, well... he insisted that you should have it."

"Your brother. Right, your brother the dentist."

"The god of dentists," Jared sighs, already knowing his moment has passed. Still, as he walks away this time he is encouraged. There was no door slamming and Jensen looked almost disappointed when it was just a toothbrush that Jared pulled out of his pants.

 

***

 

"Good evening, beloved."

"Is that pie?" Jensen asks immediately.

Jared holds out the still warm pie in his hands, the buttery pastry flaking as he wafts it under Jensen's nose so that he can smell the delectable aroma of baked apples and cinnamon. "Yes, indeed it is my darling; the most delicious apple pie straight from my sister's oven.

"Your sister - the goddess of bakers?"

"Ah, yes." Jared's stomach drops. Usually at the mention of his otherworldly family Jensen's smile turns a little strained, his mood somewhat colder. "She...she thought you might enjoy it."

Jensen stares at him for a second, his lips drawn together as though calculating his next words carefully. "What the heck are you waiting for man; get your ass in here."

Jared's jaw drops in shock as Jensen grabs his arm and yanks him into his house. Months he's been trying to sneak a foot across Jensen’s threshold and all it took was apple pie. His sister is going to be insufferable when she finds out. If she finds out.

Jensen's home is as adorable as the man himself; warm and unpretentious. Truthfully, Jared doesn't see very much of it because Jensen drags him straight through to the bedroom, stopping only briefly to collect two forks from the kitchen.

"You enjoy pie, my sweet?" Jared asks, bemused by Jensen's eagerness.

"You bet your gorgeous ass I do, baby." Jensen says, plucking the pie-dish from Jared's hand while simultaneously shoving him backwards on to the bed. Jared is impressed by Jensen's multi-tasking, especially as he then manages to strip out of his clothes without dropping the pie or the forks.

"Do you always eat pie naked?" Jared asks, wondering if it's too forward if he too disrobes.

"I do when there's a naked god lying in my bed."

Jared almost rolls off the bed in his haste to kick off his boots and pants. Never let it be said that he can't take a hint. "So, you do believe I'm a god?"

Jensen makes the most obscene noise around his first mouthful of pie sending a sharp shiver of anticipation down Jared's spine and a surge of hard, pulsing want straight to his groin. "Mmm, well I believe this pie has been baked by a goddess, for sure. You? Well, I haven't seen you in action yet, buddy so I'm withholding judgement."

Jared growls and yanks Jensen down on to the bed alongside him. "You challenge me to prove myself? Are you sure you want to do that, Jensen? You aren't afraid that my celestial proportions and stamina will be too much for you?"

Jensen takes another mouthful of pie while he appears to mull over the question, then with deadly precision drops a heaped forkful of warm sticky filling over Jared's erect dick. "You know what, baby? Your proportions may be godly, but I ain't gonna believe your stamina until you prove it."

With that, Jensen lowers his mouth and sucks Jared's cock straight down his throat, pie filling and all. The noise Jared makes is neither godly nor dignified, but with Jensen swallowing Jared's cock down to the root, something no God or human has been able to do before, he frankly couldn't care less.

 

Sex with Jensen is a rapturous experience. Jared thought he would be the one to rock Jensen's world, but the pretty human has tricks that Jared has not seen before; can do things with his tongue that Jared would not have thought possible.

There's not an inch of Jared's body that Jensen hasn't licked or kissed or even nibbled on by the time they're finished. Jensen worships every whorl and spiral, every emblem, letter and line tattooed on Jared's skin with his talented tongue. Then, with so little preparation that Jared worries for his safety, he climbs atop Jared, sinks down on his cock and rides him as though he were trying to tame a wild stallion.

If Jared were not a god, he's sure Jensen would have killed him. As it is, he comes barely seconds after his lusty little human, his unearthly stamina crushed under Jensen’s spirited lovemaking. Jared does however recover faster. Jensen is still flat on his back panting heavily when Jared regains his breath and vigor. Round two is very much his chance to prove his prowess. And when a writhing Jensen hoarsely screams out "Please god Jared, I’m begging you, fuck me right the fuck now." Jared knows his beloved has succumbed to his charms.

 

"So," Jared says some time later. "You believe I am a god?"

"Huh?" Jensen says, looking up at him blearily. Apparently five hours of vigorous fucking is enough to tire him out.

"You finally believe I am a god?" Jared says smugly, drawing his initials through the sweat shimmering on Jensen's chest.

"Yes, Jared, I believe you are a god." Jensen concedes, exhaustion slurring his words. "One look at your moose cock and you had me convinced. Now shut up and let me nap. We have the rest of your sister's pie to finish later."

Self-satisfied smile firmly in place, Jared settles back on the bed, tugging a boneless Jensen into his arms. "By the way," Jensen says, wrapping his arms around Jared's hips and rubbing his face across the broad plains of Jared's chest, "Your mother dropped by earlier, she left a sweater here for you. It's pink and sparkly and has a moose on the front. She said you picked the design out yourself."

_Finis_


End file.
